“I don’t have a definition for everything.”

Transcript for Slightly Straight of Left

I identify as just slightly left of straight. I questioned whether or not I was bi for a little while, because there are moments when I look at a girl, and I’m like she’s super pretty. And, I don’t know if I think that in a I-wanna-hold-your-hand way, or in an I-want-to-look-like-you way. And, it’s always kind of difficult for me to know, because when I see a guy I think is attractive immediately I’m like, I want your name, and I wanna talk you up, and I wanna ask you out. Like, I already know I wanna date you. Whereas, I’ve never had that experience with a girl. But, I’ve just kind of sat there and been like, if we went on a date, I think I could see it. So, I mean, I could still be bi and just not know it. But mostly it’s: do I think you’re pretty because you’re you, or do I think you’re pretty because I want to be you?

I’ve struggled to sort of figure out what I mean by that. I know that I’ve had moments where I’ve like looked at a girl before and thought like, “I think I would like to kiss you just to see what that’s like.” But, I don’t have the urge to like ask you out on a date. In fact, one time I was sitting there trying to think about it, and I just looked up at my roommate (and this was all going on in my head; I was just thinking) and I look up at her and I said, “Am I a misogynist?” And she goes, “what?” Because I think I would kiss a girl but I don’t think I would ask her out on a date. So, does that mean I value men higher than women? She’s like, “I don’t know, but why would you ask that?” I think I would know if I saw somebody that I was like I wanna date you, but I really don’t know how to define it or if it’s like a real feeling that I’m having or if it’s… because I’ve explored a lot this year, and I don’t have a definition for everything. So, it’s really difficult for me to say whether or not I would date somebody of the same gender. 

I definitely admit it’s hard. Depending on what background you come from, it can be harder to explore or even, you know, let people know that you’re exploring. If you come from a more conservative background, it’s probably going to be a little more intimidating to say, “you know what, I’m a man but I feel like putting on a dress today and trying that out.” But I think that ultimately you have to figure out who you are as a person. And for me, freshman year stepping into college, that was what I wanted. I was like, “when I leave here I’m going to be a different person; I’m not going to be the same person I was coming in.” And, I’m not. 

Definitely try new things if you think that it even interests you a little bit, check it out. And try it, and go for it. You know it can be scary; it can be hard. And it’s definitely easier if you don’t have people who disagree with what you’re doing like, sort of, breathing down your neck. But there’s always going to be at least somebody that you can make friends with who is also sort of going through the same sort of thing you are or maybe they’re exploring but in a different way who can sort of hold your hand and say, “yeah, don’t worry about everybody else; do your own thing.” I think ‘because I can’ is a good enough statement for really anything that you want to do— anything you want to try. And if you hate it, then you hate it. And if you love it, then love it because you can.

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